Guiding and Protecting Your children: Strategies for prevention and healing in the face of abuse.

Writer: Nuzhat Fatema .
Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying).

Just recently, in the news, we heard that Imam Wisam Sharieff, founder of the quran revolution program and advocating a Quranic lifestyle program at Al-Maghrib Institute, was arrested for producing child pornography. It has reminded us of how vulnerable children are to abuse, even in trusted environments. It has sparked a much-needed conversation about how we, as parents and as a community, can prevent, address, and heal from such heartbreaking experiences.

According to the World Health Organization, approximately 1 in 4 children worldwide experience some form of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse each year. Child sexual abuse (CSA) is a widespread and devastating issue affecting children across the world, transcending cultural, religious, and national boundaries. Despite its prevalence, many cases go unreported, with studies suggesting that up to two-thirds of victims never disclose their experiences. It is important to note that CSA is not just about the physical act of abuse; it also involves coercion, manipulation, and exploitation of a child’s powerlessness. As technology has progressed, online child sexual exploitation (OCSE) has become a growing issue in Canada, with over 100,000 reports of online child sexual abuse and exploitation reported each month to The Canadian Centre for Child Protection. The widespread use of smartphones among children and teens has made it easier for perpetrators to connect with potential victims via online chat rooms and social media. The ability to interact with strangers online increases the risk of children and teens becoming victims, OCSE.

The impact of CSA and OCSE can be deep and enduring. Survivors often face serious psychological, emotional, and behavioural challenges that continue into adulthood. Research consistently shows that individuals who have experienced CSA are at 5 to 8 times higher risk of developing mental health disorders, including: depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, sleep disorders, borderline personality disorder and psychotic disorders. In addition to these mental health challenges, CSA survivors often struggle with substance abuse, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. They may also face difficulties in low self-esteem, relationships, including issues with trust and intimacy, as a result of the trauma they endured.

Prevention Strategies

1) Raising awareness - Raising awareness about CSE is a crucial prevention strategy, and educating parents plays a pivotal role in safeguarding children. When parents are informed and vigilant, they are better equipped to recognize warning signs, set appropriate boundaries, and take action if needed. Moreover, children may not always be able to verbalize their experiences or understand that what’s happening to them is wrong. Adults who are aware of the signs are better equipped to step in and safeguard the child from continued abuse.

Signs of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Physical Signs

- Pain, swelling, or bleeding in genital or anal areas

- Difficulty walking or sitting comfortably

- Unexplained bruises, bleeding, or sores

- Frequent urinary or yeast infections

- Torn, stained, or bloody clothing

Behavioral Changes

- Sudden fear or avoidance of a specific person, place, or situation

- Nightmares or bed-wetting in a child who was previously dry at night

- Inappropriate sexual knowledge or behavior for their age

- Withdrawal or depression

- Sudden changes in eating or sleeping patterns

- Expressing the need for money, as it may be used if they are blackmailed.

- Becoming very clingy

Emotional Indicators

- Low self-esteem or feelings of worthlessness

- Increased anxiety, fear, or panic

- Outbursts of anger or rage

- changes in mood, feeling irritable or anything out of the ordinary.

Sexualized Behavior

- Excessive masturbation or inappropriate sexualized behavior

- Engaging in sexual play with peers or adults

Social Withdrawal

- Isolation from friends or family members

- Reluctance to participate in group activities or school

- Be secretive about who they are talking to and what they’re doing

Verbal Indicators

- Statements like "I don't want to be touched," or "Don't touch me there."

- Using sexual language or acting out scenes from sexual content

Signs of Online Childhood Sexual Abuse

Behavioral Changes

- Sudden reluctance to use the Internet or certain apps or websites.

- Spending more time online than usual, or hiding screen activity.

- Anxiety or fear about being online or about certain people the child communicates with online.

- Increased secretiveness or reluctance to talk about online activities.

- Becoming unusually withdrawn, anxious, or fearful, especially after using the computer or phone.

Emotional Indicators

- Feelings of shame or guilt about online activities or communications.

- Withdrawal from real-world friendships or social activities, especially if they coincide with online communication.

- Emotional distress after being online, such as sudden mood swings, anger, or sadness.

- Decreased self-esteem or increased self-consciousness, especially about their appearance or body.

Sexualized Behavior

- Engaging in inappropriate or sexualized conversations with peers or adults online.

- Sending explicit photos, videos, or intimate content to strangers or people they know online.

- Demonstrating sexual knowledge or behavior that is beyond their age or developmental stage.

Digital Footprint Changes

- Receiving explicit or suggestive messages, photos, or videos from strangers or online acquaintances.

- Following or communicating with individuals who seem inappropriate or make the child uncomfortable.

- Sudden increase in social media or online interactions with unknown people (often without clear explanation).

Inappropriate Content

- Viewing explicit or adult content online, or talking about it with others.

- Searching for sexualized content or participating in adult-themed chat rooms or games.

Online Grooming Behavior

- Receiving gifts, money, or promises of rewards from someone online in exchange for personal information or intimate content.

- An adult or older peer trying to isolate the child from friends or family, often by building a special "relationship" with the child online.

- Repeated requests for private chats or video calls, especially with the intention to see or talk about personal or sensitive matters.

Secretive Behavior

- Deleting chat history or browsing history on devices.

- Refusal to let parents or guardians access their online accounts, social media profiles, or messages.

- Concealing or lying about the identity or age of individuals they are communicating with online.

* It's important not to assume that changes in your child's behaviour are solely due to sexual abuse, as there are many possible reasons for behavioural shifts. Any sudden changes should be investigated to understand what might be causing your child distress. Consider potential stressors in their life and find ways to address any concerns that could be affecting their well-being.

2) Family structure - The way a family is organized, the relationships between family members, and the values and practices within the family can all influence a child's safety, sense of security, and overall well-being. A supportive and healthy family structure can serve as a protective factor, while dysfunction, neglect, or instability can increase a child’s vulnerability to abuse.

Positive Family relationships and boundaries - Families that encourage open, honest dialogue help children feel safe to share their concerns or any uncomfortable experiences. Families that foster a sense of personal autonomy in their children are more likely to understand they have the right to say “no” to unwanted physical or emotional advances and that their personal space is respected. Children should be educated about the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touch. The rule should be clear: "No one has the right to touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, even if they say it's okay."

Parental Involvement and Supervision - Parents and caregivers who are actively engaged in their children’s lives, both online and offline, provide a strong safeguard against potential abuse. The role of the family in monitoring and guiding children's activities cannot be overstated, particularly in the digital age. 

• Families that establish rules around internet use, social media, and digital communication can protect children from abuse and exploitation. These include: setting screen times , knowing which apps or websites children are accessing and monitoring online interactions.

• Active parental involvement in a child’s life like attending their events, knowing their friends, can act as a deterrent for abusers who might target children with little oversight. Families that promote self-worth and self-respect help children understand that they deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, whether by peers, adults, or online contacts. Children who feel valued at home are less likely to tolerate harmful behaviours, either in real life or online.

• While children’s privacy is essential, parents must make it clear that their role is to protect and guide. This means that, in certain circumstances—like concerns about safety or well-being—parents may need to intervene, even if it means temporarily stepping into the child’s private space.

Supportive and Nurturing environments - A stable, nurturing family environment provides emotional safety and helps children build resilience. When children feel loved and secure in their family, they are less likely to internalize harmful behaviour or to tolerate abuse. 

• Families that promote self-worth and self-respect help children understand that they deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, whether by peers, adults, or online contacts. Children who feel valued at home are less likely to tolerate harmful behaviours, either in real life or online.

• Parents should create a climate of trust by regularly checking in with their children, discussing their day, feelings, and concerns. However, this needs to be done in a way that doesn’t feel invasive. By building this trust, children are more likely to feel comfortable sharing sensitive information with their parents, including any incidents of inappropriate behaviour or abuse.

Family rules and structure - When there is a predictable, safe routine, children know what to expect and feel secure in their environment. Abusers often target children in chaotic, unpredictable, or unstable situations where they might be isolated or feel vulnerable.

• As children mature, they will naturally seek more independence. Parents should adjust their monitoring strategies to allow for greater autonomy while ensuring that basic safety measures remain in place. This helps children feel trusted and respected, which in turn strengthens the parent-child relationship.

• Supervising, not overseeing - parents should monitor online activity to ensure that children aren’t exposed to inappropriate content or online predators, but they should do so without completely invading their digital privacy. Establishing a shared understanding about what is and isn't acceptable online can provide children with the tools to navigate the internet safely while maintaining a sense of control over their online presence.

3) Role of extended family and community—In many cultures, including Islamic communities, extended families and communities play an especially significant role in child-rearing, and these groups can be instrumental in creating a safe environment for children.

• Multiple trusted adults - In cases where children experience discomfort with a parent or primary caregiver, having other trusted adults can help them feel safer and more confident to speak up.

• Extended families can reinforce the values taught in the nuclear family, including personal boundaries, consent, and respect for privacy. For example, a grandparent or uncle can model healthy behaviours and provide reinforcement of privacy rules, such as not entering a child's room without permission.

• Education and awareness - Communities that prioritize education about abuse and online safety can help prevent incidents of sexual abuse and exploitation. Educational programs can include: workshops for parents, training for teachers or caregivers. 

• Imams and religious leaders can play a key role in educating parents and children about safety, respect, and the dangers of abuse. They can also act as mediators if a child comes forward with a concern. Additionally, religious institutions can offer counselling and support services for families dealing with abuse.

• Communities can create safe spaces for children to talk about difficult topics through support groups or youth groups.

• Overcoming stigma - While there may be cultural hesitations in some Muslim communities about speaking out on issues like sexual abuse, Islamic teachings can serve as a powerful tool to overcome this barrier. By emphasizing that protecting children is a collective duty of the ummah, Islamic communities can: encourage reporting and provide support systems.

Healing from Abuse

1. Ensure immediate safety - This involves removing the child from the abusive situation and creating a safe and stable environment.
   

2. Believe and Validate - The child may feel confused, ashamed, or guilty. They may experience a wide range of emotions, and letting them know these feelings are normal in the aftermath of trauma can be comforting. If the child is ready to talk, listen attentively, and without the pressure to share details, then they are comfortable with.  Never assign blame or use phrases like "I told you so" or "This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't..." when a child discloses sexual abuse. It is crucial to remain non-judgmental in both your words and body language (such as gestures or facial expressions). The child needs to know that the abuse was not their fault and that they are not alone in their experience. 
   

3. Professional support - Healing from sexual abuse and online abuse often requires professional intervention. It is advisable to consult a qualified therapist who specializes in working with survivors of child abuse. Professional support can assist your child in processing their emotions and coping with the trauma. Additionally, the individual the child confides in should take appropriate steps to report the abuse to the relevant authorities. For younger children who may struggle with verbalizing their feelings, play therapy is an excellent tool. It helps children express their emotions through play, drawing, and role-playing.
   

4. Provide Emotional Support and Stability - Children who have been sexually abused or harmed online may have difficulty trusting adults. Rebuilding that trust takes time. Offer consistency in your care, and be present for the child in their healing journey. After a child discloses sexual abuse, adults may feel hesitant to show affection, but it’s essential for the child’s healing that they receive love, support, and understanding. This is particularly important in the relationship between parents and children.
   

5. Promote positive relationships and positive social and digital engagement - Surround your child with a strong, supportive network of family and friends who comprehend the seriousness of the situation and can provide consistent love, care, and encouragement. After experiencing abuse, a child may withdraw from social interactions or feel distrustful of others. Encouraging positive relationships and healthy digital habits can help rebuild their confidence. Some of the ways to do this include: encourage healthy peer relationships, offer digital detox and guidance and involvement in safe activities.
   

6. Regaining Control and empowerment for the child - Abuse often leaves children feeling powerless, with a diminished sense of autonomy over their bodies and their lives. Restoring a child’s sense of control and empowering them is essential for rebuilding their confidence, self-worth, and ability to navigate the world in a healthy way. While it’s natural for parents to feel fear, concern, and a strong desire to protect their child, it’s equally important that they do not unintentionally hinder their child’s healing by imposing their own fears or anxieties on them.
   

7. Show patience and understanding - Healing from abuse is rarely a quick or straight forward journey. Healing from such trauma is a complex, non-linear process that can take time, and it requires a safe, supportive environment where the child feels heard, respected, and cared for. setbacks are common in trauma recovery and don’t mean the child isn’t healing—they simply indicate that deeper layers of trauma are being addressed. The child may feel afraid to engage in everyday activities they once enjoyed, such as attending school, playing with friends, or participating in hobbies. It’s important to be patient as the child navigates their way back to a sense of normalcy.
   

8. Practice self-care and self- compassion — The emotional toll of caring for a child who has been abused can be overwhelming, and neglecting your own needs can lead to burnout, emotional exhaustion, and difficulty in providing the care and support your child needs. By prioritizing your own physical, emotional, and mental health, you can become a stronger, more present support system for your child. This might include seeking professional counselling or joining a support group. While it’s easy to become isolated when your child is going through such a difficult time, it’s important to maintain social connections for emotional support and companionship.

Religious and Cultural Context of Abuse and Healing

When a muslim victim experiences abuse by religious authority figures, they often experience a deep sense of confusion or distress due to the intersection of abuse and religious authority. It makes it hard to reconcile the experience of abuse with understanding of religion. Many victims feels the pressure to “win the approval of the religious authority in order to be seen as righteous. Many victims are left with feelings of guilt, shame and self-blame, and seeing the abuse as their own fault. They may also experience a deep sense of betrayal as the abusers hold a position of trust and moral authority in the community which makes it harder for them to disclose the abuse to others in the community. Many victims of abuse find it hard to turn to their faith for healing, as their abusers had misused religious teachings.  For survivors of sexual abuse and their families in Muslim communities, seeking support or discussing the abuse can be challenging due to the fear of being labeled as "impure" or "damaged," or even being blamed for what happened to them. This stigma can create significant barriers to reaching out for help and hinder the healing process.

The story of Prophet Yusuf in the Quran (Chapter 12 ) and Healing:

The story of Prophet Yusuf (Joseph) in the Quran, as told in Surah Yusuf (Chapter 12), offers valuable lessons on resilience, patience, and healing in the face of betrayal, injustice, and sexual assault. It highlights how faith, perseverance, and divine support can lead to recovery and eventual triumph, even after enduring profound trauma.

Prophet Yusuf faces a challenging situation with Zulaikha, the wife of his master, when she attempts to seduce him. However, when he refuses, she falsely accuses him of trying to assault her, which ultimately leads to his imprisonment. Yusuf's unjust imprisonment symbolizes the experience of many survivors of sexual abuse who are wrongfully accused, shamed, or disbelieved when they speak out. Like survivors of abuse, Yusuf faced false accusations that tarnished his reputation and led to his unjust suffering. 

Throughout his hardships, P. Yusuf, demonstrates immense amount of patience (sabr) and faith in Allah (s.w.t). Perseverance and trust in God's plan can be a source of strength for those who have experienced sexual abuse. The Quran itself offers comfort in moments of hardship: "And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient." (Quran 2:155) For abuse survivors, P. Yusuf’s ability to persevere with dignity despite grave injustices highlights the importance of maintaining faith and holding on to hope, even when the path to healing seems difficult or impossible.

P. Yusuf’s story also demonstrates how divine justice prevails in the end. P. Yusuf’s time in the prison ultimately leads him to a position of great power.  Survivors may feel alone or that they are without support in their struggle, but Yusuf's story emphasizes that even in the darkest moments, divine support is available, and justice will prevail in the end. For those who have been abused, knowing that Allah is just and will ultimately hold perpetrators accountable can be a source of comfort and healing. "Indeed, Allah is with those who fear Him and those who are doers of good." (Quran 16:128)

Throughout his trials, P. Yusuf maintained a strong connection to Allah.
This spiritual resilience is key to his emotional survival. For survivors of sexual abuse, healing often involves reconnecting with God and finding comfort in prayers, supplications, and spiritual reflection. P. Yusuf’s story emphasizes that no matter how dire the circumstances, a believer can always turn to Allah for solace and strength.